Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. —Philippians 3:8-11
Heavenly Father, most holy and most wise, God of all power and God of all peace, blessed be your name, your Son and your Spirit. All glory is yours, King of kings.
I have always hated loss, especially in reputation and competition. Loss is evidence of my flaws, and all traces of this must be abhorred in the eyes of my flesh. And accordingly, I establish my justification on the basis of gains. If I can dominate over others or earn their praise, I believe I can be glorified. Self-glorification is my most elemental inclination. This is my nature, my God, and I have exhausted most of the efforts of my life in pursuit of such ill-gotten self-justification–that is, to be justified in my own sight, not yours.
The struggle remains with me, Lord. Despite your immeasurable grace, despite the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, your son, and despite the sanctifying power of your Spirit dwelling in my very flesh, I count these as loss that I might gain the paltry trinkets I ceaselessly labor to earn instead.
Today, the Green Bay Packers lost. But more so, my team lost. The team that I have cheered for, that I have defended publicly before so many. I can already hear the smug banter (both on the Internet and in my head) of those who celebrate their defeat. Some do so for the sake of their own team and others simply to get a rise out of me. My response is stifled but sincere fury. How dare they mock me? Who is their team, anyway? All of the excuses I can make fall lifelessly by the wayside, since I have already set victory as the ultimate measure of meaning. The loss proves my inadequacies, and so I have nothing to say, nothing to do, except curse and sneer back in sinful silence. Speed my repentance in such times, my Lord.
Today, I lost in Star Wars: Battlefront on Playstation 4. Miserably. And my opponents would use laughter emotes in the game to mock me. What idiots! I shot first, so I should have won! My pathetic denials and self-aggrandizing disdain may deceive myself but not you, the perfect judge. “A person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart” (Proverbs 21:2).
My conscience condemns me, but you have ransomed me, great God of grace! Paul, boasted of those things you had commanded, of obedience to your holy law and ordinances. Yet even these he counted as loss, that he may know Christ, to share in his sufferings. How much more ought I to repent of these worldly, arbitrary ways of self-validation? God, be merciful to me, so saddened and confused as I am by all of this. Let me press on to make my own the righteousness of Christ, that I may share both in his humiliation and exaltation. Let the grace you give in him be nearer to my heart than the fictional merits I boast of in my heart so foolishly. Let the supreme childishness of my boast be laid bare before the surpassing worth of Christ always.
My gratitude for your ever-abounding mercy.
Amen.
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